Stop Agonizing About Presenting Yourself to Others ... NOW!

Dr. Signe A. Dayhoff
Social Effectiveness Guru

              SOCIAL EFFECTIVENESS ARTICLES

ARTICLES:

Do I Really Have to Network?
Surviving Anger at Work
Ya Gotta Know the Territory
Business Image of 2003: Social Responsibility
Self-Presentation: What Your Mother Didn't Tell You
Is Your Thinking Style a Barrier or Opportunity
When the Phone is Not Your Friend
Overwork Chic is Hazardous to Your Health
You Needn't Be Condemned to Boring Meetings
When Life Imitates Parkinson's Law
The Story You Write
Solving Problems for Fun and Profit
What a Two-by-Four to the Back of the Head Can Do
'Tis the Season to be Blue
How to Market Yourself in Any Situation
Remembering to Look Up

Do I Really Have to Network?

One important characteristic of self-made millionaires is that they meet as many people as they can. They network everywhere, all the time because information and connections are a very valuable currency. For example, 84 percent of jobs are gotten through networking contacts. Your career development and achievement of most of your important life goals (as well as many trivial ones) have been through the use of contacts. But unless you're an active networker, it may not seem so because you many not even think about where you gained the information and resources you use.

In Megatrends John Naisbitt listed "networking" is one of the ten major trends changing our lives. So what is networking? It is an active process of information exchange which is built on relationships of mutual interest, trust, and rapport. Why should you network? Because it is the primary way you gain access to tips, leads, and referrals for ANYTHING you do.

Who makes up your network? Your network is made up of diverse individuals - family, friends, and associates - people to whom you have access. These people are divided into a primary group and secondary group. Your primary is made up of your family and close friends, people who tend to share values, beliefs, attitudes, and friends. Your secondary group is made up of acquaintances, those with different values, beliefs, attitudes, and friends. The casual contacts who make up your secondary group come from everywhere, past and present: Work, community, school, and service providers. They can be employers and colleagues, classmates and teachers, doctors, dentists, and accountants, church friends, local politicians, and club members.

Research has shown that whether you want technical information, someone's experience, advice, or support, you can get it most effectively through contacts. Specifically, a contact is someone with whom you can meet and talk. S/he is available to listen and give feedback. Someone who can do something for you and for whom you can do something in return. Reciprocity, or fair exchange, is the foundation of networking.

Your relationship with the contact may be personal or impersonal, depending upon who the contact is, that is from which networking group. Impersonal contacts (secondary group) are best for providing information and resources whereas personal contacts (primary group) are best for providing assistance over time, helping you improve your skills, or grooming you. A contact may be anyone who provides you with access to what you want.

Contacts are useful because of what they do, who they are, and whom they know. Because of this contacts are said to have information power. Information power is knowing where to find the facts, details, and help you want when you want them. It's not having every fact or detail on the tip of your tongue.

Whether you're trying to find an apartment, a dentist, or used car, you rely upon others as information sources or conduits to others who may have what you need. This is networking in its everyday sense. But to be an effective networker you need to document whom you know who might be helpful in any given instance. Thus, you need to be aware of your existing network. This means putting on paper who your contacts are and what resources they represent.

As hard as it may be to believe, you have exponentially more contacts than you would ever imagine. Of course, not all contacts will be useful for all things at all times. Thus, who will be helpful will be dependent upon what goal you have in mind at any given moment. Having established your goal, you then need to determine which contacts have resources which match your goal and are likely to be helpful. This will suggest to you which avenues to pursue both at present and in the future.

If you're cultivating your contacts for getting a job or seeking promotion, you must remember that getting a job is not always dependent just upon what you know. It's not always dependent upon whom you know. It's often dependent upon who knows you. Networking is an excellent method for creating your visibility and credibility among those important to the achievement of your goal.

Active networkers know that every stranger represents an opportunity: The chance to reach targets, get problem-solving assistance, obtain guidance and direction, information, tips, leads, referrals, advice, support, counsel, sponsorship, as well as enhance your self-esteem and growth. Always remember that it's a much smaller world than you think. You can get information by way of a chain of people very quickly. Back in the 1960s psychologist Stanley Milgram demonstrated that you could give a letter to one randomly-selected individual in Nebraska who would pass it along so that it ultimately was received by another randomly-selected person in Boston through a communication chain of only five people!

Think how quickly that stranger-to-stranger connection can be made using the Internet. If you know a minimum of 200 people and each of those people knows a minimum of 200, you automatically have access to up to 40,000 people. So your network is potentially a lot larger and better-connected than you  think it is.

Making and cultivating contacts requires your knowing what you want from them, seeking them out, and approaching them. Of course, this is easier if you're comfortable talking with strangers and asking those you know for help. Whether you are throwing yourself into networking now or are working on your networking skills for later, you have to follow certain guidelines in order to be effective and get what you want.

But remember, if they assist you now, you are not necessarily expected to reciprocate immediately. They'll let you know when they need access to your information or resources.

Your comfort is important so you should tailor your networking to your style and personality. But that doesn't mean leaving out steps. To do so frequently results in frustration and disappointment. Each recommendation is essential and an integral part of the whole process. What makes networking ultimately so appealing is that the risk is low and the benefits are high. You owe it to yourself to follow the self-made millionaires' strategy to "access for success." (top of the page)

Surviving Anger at Work

Have you noticed that people seem to be more hostile and impulsive these days? Everything is fodder for contentiousness. Anger seems to be a hair-trigger's breadth away for many. As a result, aggression in the workplace is increasing as well. Physical altercations, from fistfights to semi-automatic fire, are becoming more commonplace.

Handling anger, yours and others, is not something you come by naturally. It's not routinely taught by parents, schools, or society. Instead you're generally told to stifle or swallow it. Get over it. That not only doesn't help but also makes matters worse.

You're supposed to act as if the emotion doesn't exist. And when it does, you're told you don't have a right or legitimate reason to experience it. Because of this, you are likely to have few or no skills with which to address it. Consequently, you're often unprepared when you encounter it in yourself or in others.

When you're angry, your body is pumping adrenaline, preparing muscles to fight. You're on auto-pilot. Something or someone has frustrated, disappointed, or hurt you, and you want to get even. So all you want to do is act, to strike out in any way you can. But while there is some immediate satisfaction in doing so, this aggression will tend to be self-reinforcing. That is, you're going to feel rewarded for attacking and, thus, likely to approach similar problems in a similar way in the future. This becomes self-sabotage.

The basic problem with this emotion-initiated response is that it results in mindless behavior which provokes retaliation. Retaliation further escalates the original anger. Anger begets anger unless you short-circuit the feedback loop.

Because this is a self-defeating approach where no one wins, you need to find better ways to handle the anger you feel and encounter. The first thing you need to do is recognize your anger. Sometimes this is hard because you were probably taught that anger is bad and you shouldn't feel it. But you do feel it. It's one of your basic emotions along with happiness, fear, and sadness. So validate it. What is bad isn't the presence of the emotion but your not handling it effectively.

Once you acknowledge it, you need to step back to see what provoked it. You need to ask what makes you respond as you do. This not only gives you some useful insight into the situation but also slows you down so you won't be as quick to act to throw a verbal or physical punch. Unacknowledged or denied anger festers and grows out of proportion to the original event. Such anger can turn inward, against you, manifesting as migraines or irritable bowel syndrome, or outward, against others, exploding with lethal fallout.

Distancing yourself from the emotion is useful. You can do this by distracting yourself or expending that pent-up energy in other, more productive ways. Psychologist Hendrie Weisinger suggests creating a list of work tasks you can do until the anger subsides enough to address the anger-provoking event. Then you should dissect the event. All the while, you can become mellower by doing breathing exercises. As you work on zoning out, you should have a dialogue with yourself about it.

All this likewise holds true for when you encounter anger in others with whom you have to deal at work - whether it's your boss, co-workers, or customers. First you need to get the other person talking. When they're talking, they're less likely to translate their anger into physical action. You need to draw them out and help them describe the problem by asking open-ended questions: What happened. How do they feel. What do they want done. This means you have to be as open, objective, and empathetic as possible, saying little of substance as the other person pours out their soul about the burr under their saddle. You need to remember that others want their grievance to be heard and understood the same way you do.

However, you have to be careful not to slip into making challenging statements. You also have to not resort to condescension which is sometimes tough to do. This means not telling the other person, "You're not being reasonable" or "The rules are the rules" or "You don't have to know that." These show you're not listening to what the person is trying to convey under the words and stops communication cold. It's also important to remember that if for any reason the other person seems ready to attack, the better part of valor and safety is to escape. There's a limit to "grace under fire."

By taking control of your anger and helping others redirect or work through theirs, you help create a better place for everyone, but especially you, in which to work. You help create a place where there is less contentiousness and free-floating anger, where there is better communication, and where you can be more productive and comfortable. (top of the page)

Ya Gotta Know the Territory

Irrespective of the country's economic circumstances, the process of getting a job, while never easy, isn't impossible. It's really a matter of knowing how the system operates and the ground rules, and working within them to make it work for you.

What most people don't fully understand is that finding a job is an exercise in marketing psychology and communication. That is, as a job hunter, you have to target your "consumer" - the company in which the job opening of interest exists. You have to determine what they need and want. You then have to tailor your "product," your presentation of yourself, to them to meet that need. In other words, you have to define their opening as a "problem" then sell them that you're the "solution" to it. This is irrespective of job level.

Bob Wallace,* a multi-faceted laser engineer, found himself looking for a new position when downsizing eliminated his research job. Because of his level of expertise, he expected to be re-employed almost immediately. Months later he was immobilized by frustration and confusion. "I read the ads, sent out my two-page resume which includes a listing of some of my patents and technical articles. I know my experience matches what they want, but most of the time I don't get an interview. Worse yet," added Bob, "I don't even get a form-letter rejection. It just doesn't make any sense."

Of course, being an "expert" (experienced and skilled) at what you do is important. It's necessary but not sufficient. To get a job you have to think of yourself as a commodity then figure out how to promote and sell it. The fact is that you can't be hired unless you're interviewed, and you can't be interviewed unless you've gotten your foot in the door by convincing the potential employer that you are someone worth meeting. You do that by effectively marketing the benefits you offer to them: Position-relevant skills, abilities, knowledge, and results-producing experience. Everything you do has to shout to them, "I can increase your bottom line!"

Getting a job is hard work. Don't be fooled into thinking that if you can throw together a resume and check out relevant want ads, the world will come rushing to your door, waving opportunities in your face. Au contraire. Job hunting for all but the very powerful requires considerable time, on average twelve weeks of full-time organized effort, and saintly patience. It's the Olympics and your competition for nearly any type of job is many, varied, and strong. But there are strategies available which can put you in the faster lane. These strategies require your knowing the following:

These are not as easy to determine or accomplish as they may seem. One reason is that you have to buy into the mindset that this is the way it works despite it's seeming "unfair." You have to organize your job search like a military campaign: Make a plan, set your goal, and develop tactics to achieve it. You have to dust off your interpersonal communication and impression management skills. You have to know how to effectively use resources and your network. You have to put yourself in the shoes of the employer and think in their terms. And you have to interview accordingly.

Another reason for difficulty is you may expect to be judged solely on the merits of your resume-stated past performance and experience, without your having to "sell" yourself anew. You may expect potential employers to be fair, impartial, and forthright, and not use subjective criteria like the marketing impression you create on paper and in person. Unfortunately, these expectations often won't be met, thus, potentially leaving you feeling defeated and depressed because you didn't know the "rules" (or felt you "shouldn't" have to).

To get yourself started on the right foot you need to think of getting the job you want as the result of successfully playing and winning the job-hunt "game." For employers it's finding a solution to their pressing problem: Needing the most immediately productive individual to fill a void. For you it's determining what potential employers want to hear then telling them your version of it.

Specifically, it means recasting what you have to offer in the terms that matter to them. That is, tailoring yourself to fit their image of the ideal results-oriented candidate - the "solution" to their problem. Everything must be reframed in terms of the employer's needs and your effectively presenting yourself as meeting those needs. Remember: What you want and need is important only to you. It's the employer's game so to win you have to play by the employer's rules. Everything you do must be designed to work toward that end.

In today's marketplace the competition for the employer's attention is intense. Job seekers' messages abound and every job seeker is vying for that precious few minutes of the decision maker's time in which to have their message listened to. You're more likely to have your message listened to if you

A carefully choreographed job-hunt marketing campaign can grab employers by the collar, rivet their attention immediately, present you as a benefit they can't resist, and get you the job you want.  (* not his real name)  (top of the page)

Business Image of 2003: Social Responsibility

As we ease our way into the new millennium, the ever-increasing numbers of us in business for ourselves are discovering that we need to put on a new face to be visible, credible, and effective. We need to actively create a new image for ourselves. And because perception is reality, we're increasingly taking our cue from PR experts, pollsters, and psychologists who point out that the image with the greatest currency today is that of "social responsibility."

Resonating to the urgings of the marketing and public relations industries, savvy businesses are now paying attention to social demands. They're seeing that the times are dictating a significant change away from dedication to making a profit and satisfying stockholders as the end-all and be-all.

The public is demanding that business be more honest, ethical, responsible, and responsive to "stakeholders" - to employees, customers, and communities. Community-orientation is important. Companies can demonstrate this orientation through "cause-related marketing." Specifically, smart businesses become involved in charitable or nonprofit works. As the business helps the charitable or nonprofit organization, it makes its assistance or donations known to the public and its customers. Soon the company becomes associated with the organization it helps. Both benefit, making this is a win-win situation.

Responsibility and accountability, however, begin within the company with the building of positive relationships with employees, those people who have a real stake in making the organization a success. Once a company has positively reached its employees, the employees then can be the ones to go outside to influence the key people: Customers, stockholders, and neighbors. This is because consumers judge a company or its product by the conduct of the company. Getting your company known as a "good neighbor" with respect to employees (if you have any), your community online and off-, your consumers, and the environment is essential. You want to be seen as a concerned, fair dealer who produces a quality product, irrespective of what it is, and stands behind it.

Those corporations and institutions which ignore their image and social responsibility and put the bottom-line first potentially put all their stakeholders at risk. Exxon Corporation in 1989 is a prime example. When Exxon's tanker Valdez ran aground on a reef in Alaska's Prince William Sound, it spilled millions of gallons of oil, killing thousands or water fowl and marine mammals as well as destroying the area's fishing grounds. What did the company do in the face of this environmental, economic, and public relations crisis? First, it responded very s-l-o-w-l-y. Then when it did respond, it was seemingly unprepared for such a crisis, hurled accusations, and acted like the proverbial chicken without a head.

Yielding to the pressure to show a profit, Exxon didn't weigh public concerns or consider its responsibility to its community. As a result, its actions invoked public ire. Consumers saw Exxon as insensitive to the plight of humans and coastal animals alike. They saw it as unresponsive - not exhibiting the behavior of a caring good neighbor. So the public boycotted Exxon products and Exxon suffered from severely damaged reputation, credibility, and from the public's ill will.

What Exxon seemed to have ignored is that company image and their bottom line are intimately related. When image goes up, bottom line goes up. When image goes down, so does the bottom line. Image is what turns the screw. What any company, large or small, needs to have is an acute sensitivity to image and a proactive plan to create and maintain it. This can be very straightforward. Basically, this how you are going to demonstrate your social responsibility in the good times and handle a social responsibility crisis in the bad. 

Determining what will enhance your credibility and visibility as a good neighbor is likely to be anything positive which is community-oriented and shows you contributing to the common good. What you need to prepare yourself to deal with a public relations crisis is first and foremost the appropriate mindset. You need to

Recall the Tylenol crisis in the 80s when cyanide was discovered in a bottle of Tylenol. To promote good public relations Johnson & Johnson, makers of Tylenol, hurriedly and voluntarily yanked the product off the shelves and immediately brought out tamper-resistant packaging. They, thus, showed consumer concern and sensitivity, even though it hurt the company financially in the short-run. However, retaining their good image allowed them to recover lost profits much more rapidly than was expected.

To be an effective business person you have to

Self-Presentation: What Your Mother Didn't Tell You

Everyone tells you "shouldn't" worry about what other people think of you. They make it sound as if it's bad to do so - that you're being egotistical, insecure, or even manipulative if you do. But whether you admit it publicly or not, you still do it - at least a little. And why not?!

Virtually everyone is concerned from time to time about how others evaluate them. It's only natural since the impressions you make determine whether others are attracted to you or not. Your self-presentation influences the friends you make, the people you date, and the jobs you're offered. It's not an inconsequential thing.

In fact, having a concern about the impression your make on others is really healthy and adaptive. Just imagine what it would be like if you didn't care how others perceived and evaluated you. What sorts of bizarre and/or socially unacceptable things might you do? Wear Saran wrap to work? Have a "happy face" tattooed on your bottom so you can moon your boss at a board meeting? Eat spaghetti in a restaurant with your hands? Eschew the use of soap in any form? Who can say. What generally prevents you from doing many of these non-normative things is your fear of the negative reactions of friends, lovers, and bosses. It's the risk of rejection and ostracism that prompts you to monitor how you present yourself.

But saying that concern about evaluation is normal is not to say, however, that you cannot be too concerned about it. Of course, you can. Indeed, those who experience transient instances of social anxiety (as well as those who suffer from the more intense and persistent social phobia), for example, agonize over the mere possibility of evaluation and its implications.

 According to social psychologist Mark Leary, what makes social situations so anxiety-provoking for these individuals is that they are *motivated* to make the desired impression (whatever that may be) but *doubt* they will be successful in doing so. Any social situation which increases their motivation to create a desired impression tends to result in anxiety. Any social situation which increases their lack of self-confidence tends to result in anxiety. When social situations simultaneously create motivation (approach) and doubt (avoidance), the anxiety effects are likely to be overwhelming. Thus, if they weren't so motivated to make the desired impression, they wouldn't feel anxious. If they didn't doubt they'd succeed, they wouldn't feel anxious. Increased public self-consciousness in conjunction with pessimism leaves them not only unable to accurately assess their circumstances but also confident that their failure is guaranteed. The ideal is to be just concerned enough to accomplish what you want but not so concerned that it interferes with your getting it.

So if you're motivated to influence how others perceive you, what sorts of things should you DO?

What sorts of things should you NOT do?

Remember: Your self-presentation is providing information about you to others to both help define the situation and enable them to know in advance what to expect of you. In return, they present similar information to you for the same purpose. It's the "dance of the social animal." You're both trying to create and manage your individual desired impressions which hopefully will be mutually beneficial. (top of the page)

Is Your Thinking Style a Barrier or Opportunity

Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you're talking with someone, they seem to get frustrated with what you're saying or how you're saying it? Saying to you such things as, "Yeah, but what does that mean in the big picture?" Or "How are you going to get there?"

How you think and talk about problems is increasingly becoming significant, particularly in the work world. This is, in part, because how you "prefer to think" is now believed to determine how you'll handle assigned tasks, what you'll learn and how you'll learn it, and with whom you'll work well. Companies such as Polaroid, IBM, Bank of Boston, and Shell Oil have looked into how their employees approach, describe, and process information in order to solve problems in the office.

What's your "preferred thinking style"? How can knowing it help you? In the 80s and 90s organizational development began looking at "whole-brain thinking." This approach suggested that each of us has a thinking style which results from our brain dominance - that is, the cerebral hemisphere which takes the lead in our cognition. Research has shown the left hemisphere (or "left brain") primarily processes verbal, logical, quantitative, and analytical thinking whereas the right hemisphere ("right brain") primarily addresses visual, spatial, creative, and holistic thinking. Some experts argue, based on these studies, that brain dominance affects personality. In other words, they believe that if you're predominantly left-brained, your processes are manifested as statements oriented toward logical reasoning, sequences, facts, and conceptual structures. Thus, left-brains would be more likely to become engineers, accountants, lawyers, or supervisors. If you're right-brained, your statements would be expected to reflect orientation toward people, feelings, experiences, patterns and relations. Right-brains would then be expected to become artists, salespeople, social workers, and entrepreneurs. However, it's important to note that no one with an intact and healthy brain is thought to use one hemisphere exclusively for thinking.

The reason different patterns of brain dominance are considered important by researchers, such as Ned Herrmann of Applied Creative Services, Lake Lure, NC, is that they tend to lead to different skills, different career choices, different modes of thought, and different styles of communication. But what is this really showing you? Do thinking preferences represent skills, intelligence, or level of competence? No! They are the pathways by which you are predisposed, perhaps genetically and socially, to solve problems.

Using the Herrmann Brain Dominance Profile, a 120-item questionnaire, you can see not only how you think but also how you like to think. For companies this can be helpful for hiring, firing, promoting, assigning tasks, and building teams. This is because collaboration and communication can be difficult if thinking differences are not acknowledged and addressed. - as when I'm talking in straight lines and you're talking in spirals.

Lest you think one style is better than the other, the whole-brain approach strongly supports the notion that both left-brain and right-brain thinking styles are equally valid and valuable. Both need to be cultivated at all levels of an organization. In fact, research at the Harvard Business School has demonstrated that the higher up you go in the organization, the more important it is to combine right-brain intuition with left-brain rationality.

Effective managers, for example, use intuition during all phases of the problem-solving process. They combine a gut feeling that points them in a given direction with systematic analysis, quantified data, and thoughtfulness. They also tend to value thinking differences in themselves and others.

Your preferred thinking style affects your perception of the best way to communicate and collaborate. It suggests the words you use and the sequence in which you use them. How you communicate can cause people to move toward you or away from you. For example, if you talk to right-brains about details, numbers, facts, and sequences, they'll tend to turn off, experience actual physiological stress, and want to shout, "What are you doing?" If, on the other hand, you present left-brains with pictures, metaphors, and analogies, they'll feel like hopping up and down, screaming, "How are you going to do it?"

Knowing that you and others have disparate thinking styles can lead to a recognition and appreciation of different cognitive frameworks, which, in turn, can lead to greater sensitivity, understanding, and tolerance. One size and style definitely does not fit all! Instead, the two styles working together produce a synergy, increasing the overall effectiveness more than either one alone. By generating awareness of thinking styles and valuing those differences, the whole-brain approach both allows and fosters creativity.

You can discover your own thinking style. You can discover your own thinking resources and potential. You can determine that power and potential in others. As a problem solver, you can feel freer to try new things. You can match people and tasks more effectively. And, you can see and break down communication barriers which inhibit productivity and work and life satisfaction by addressing the other person in the mode they find most understandable.

Try this quick quiz.

Three or more "A"s means you tend to be more right-brained, preferring feelings, relationships, and qualitative information. Three of more "B"s means you tend to be more left-brained, preferring logic, sequences, and quantitative information. Now see if you can figure out what other people might be and how best to communicate with their preferred thinking style. (top of the page)

When the Phone is Not Your Friend

Whether you like using the phone or not, there are times when the phone is not your friend. One such time is when a job interviewer calls and wants to interview you over the phone. Run, don't walk, from this situation.

Generally we think of a job interview as a face-to-face interaction with a company's hiring decision maker. But sometimes unbeknownst to us we're expected to respond on the spur of the moment to a disembodied voice on the telephone. While they may be "convenient" for companies, telephone interviews aren't beneficial to anyone, but especially you.

First, you don't have the opportunity to create that important first impression. No one's going to see your dazzling smile, freshly polished shoes, beautifully-styled hair, confident walk, or dress-for-success outfit. No one will feel your firm handshake. By the same token, you won't be able to assess the interviewer and how you're being received. You won't be able to monitor the full range of nonverbal behaviors to tell you what the interviewer is really saying and adapt to its nuances. You won't know to correct subtle misperceptions.

But perhaps more importantly, telephone interviews frequently don't allow you to prepare yourself. This alone can create situational and free-floating anxiety. But if you're telephonophobic, socially anxious, or just plain uncomfortable presenting yourself on the phone where your life hangs on whatever rolls trippingly off your tongue, then your anxiety can turn into paralysis...and seal your doom, leaving you looking as if you have delusions of adequacy.

Like many job hunters, I have experienced the telephone interview disaster. A Rochester, NY, toy manufacturer was looking for a psychologist for its marketing division. I had seen their ad in a marketing trade paper, researched, and sent them an action letter. Several weeks later the phone rang. Guess who. I was deeply immersed in a project so nothing made immediate sense - the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead. All I could think was, "Huh? Ad? Which ad was that?" And the harder I thought, the worse things got. As I slipped into a coma, my heart slammed against my rib cage and sweat began to ooze.

Even when the caller described the position to me, it was only vaguely familiar because I'd recently applied to at least a dozen positions. I excused myself to search madly for the file containing the ad, my letter, research notes, questions I wanted to ask, and on-target answers to questions I was likely to be asked. I was still frantically pawing through my papers as the caller began the interview. But trying to read and listen at the same time only made things worse. I was going to have to wing it.

Suddenly my blood pressure and anxiety levels went off the charts. My dry throat constricted, sending my voice into a quavering upper register. Answers came off the top of my head and tumbled out of my mouth, totally without thought or finesse. I'd forgotten how to turn negatives into positives, how to turn circumstances around to my advantage and demonstrate my knowledge of the company. I'd even forgotten the questions I wanted to ask about the job. I'd been caught off-guard with no salvation in sight.

The anonymous caller was the one in control. He had defined the situation, determined when he would call, what he would ask, and how I would be able to respond. I had been so stunned but so glad to have a response - any response - to my job inquiries that I felt compelled to blindly follow his lead - even to my own destruction. Yet somewhere in the deepest recesses of my brain a small voice was shouting, "Wake up, stupid! There goes your life, mate!" But I couldn't seem to rouse myself from my coma.

Imagine calling Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, or Paula Poundstone at 3 a.m., waking them, saying, "You claim to be funny. Okay, go ahead and prove it." They can't and you can't either.

To prevent a recurrence I mapped out a game plan for myself. I posted a copy of the plan and my telephone script by both phones. I decided I was not going to be interviewed by phone under those masochistic conditions. Instead I would take the initiative and maintain control by responding that I was unavailable because (1) "I'm in a meeting," (2) "I have someone in my office," or (3) "This isn't a good time." I would then ask when we might meet at their office so we could talk freely in private about the job. Remember: It's too easy for the phone interviewer to simply and impersonally click you of out of existence, thus destroying your opportunity - something that is not so easy to do when you are face-to-face.

If they said they would call me back, I would stress both my unavailability by phone and the productivity and efficiency of an in-person meeting. But, unfortunately, sometimes you can't get that face-to-face because of the distance or time involved. So what do you do? If you do decide to interview by phone, you have to take the lead and suggest that you call the interviewer back. Your calling gives you the psychological edge - the necessary perception of control. If that won't fly, however, then arrange a mutually-acceptable time in the near future which allows you to prepare.

Then prepare accordingly:

When the phone isn't your friend, you can at least keep it from becoming your enemy. (top of the page)

Overwork Chic is Hazardous to Your Health

Women are still being sold a bill of goods. In keeping with the Superwoman myth of the "70, women are not only expected to juggle job, home, and family but also strive for success. Having a paying, and hopefully satisfying, job is not enough, Being competent, effective, and productive is necessary but not sufficient. Today companies, and women themselves, are demanding that women emulate the male workaholic model: Do whatever the job requires then go that extra mile. The assumption is that if a woman is serious about her job, she'll strive to do the work of two people and invest time and energy in the company as if it were her own enterprise.

First business magazines then women's magazines have reinforced and perpetuated workaholism as being both fashionable and desirable. But the problem with buying into these expectations is that it puts the 45 million women in the American work force at risk of significant job stress.

Job stress results from the pressures of responsibility, accountability to top management, work overload, time constraints, and unclear expectations. When the burden of home and family which women traditionally have borne is added, women become prime targets for burnout. Symptoms include fatigue, working harder but accomplishing less, boredom, cynicism, feeling sad, irritable, detached, joyless, and experiencing psychosomatic complaints such as headaches and intestinal distress.

Men have long suffered the fallout of workaholism: High blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart attacks, ulcers, colitis, and depression. Now it appears that women are sowing those same seeds and are reaping that harvest as well, as a study of the Silicon Valley electronics industry has demonstrated. The research found the "work is all" ethic to be pervasive and the major cause of stress for all workers, particularly where the environment is clock- and technology-driven.

This competitiveness places a great burden on workers and their families, with the most profound impact being the deterioration of interpersonal relationships. In fact, in this study 63 per cent of women worked over 40 hours a week and half the mothers spent less than two hours a day with their children. However, this finding reflects problems both men and women are likely to face.

Because it's respected and sanctioned, overwork becomes the norm rather than the exception. Corporations either overtly uphold it or have climates which covertly support its value. Part of the reason is the lingering 1980s' love affair with the "success image," wherein success is all and being seen as successful is tantamount to being successful. In periods of corporate downsizing, or increased unemployment, employees feel insecure about their jobs. They fear being see as anything less than 100 per cent committed to the company. Thus, they strive to be indispensable.

Some individuals feel their identity derives from their work while others feel a moral responsibility to work all the time. Because they see work as synonymous with the American imperative, they accede to the pressure to perform. As a result they create the image: They come in early and stay late. They never say "no" to assignments. They don't accept help with their tasks. And they don't delegate. In this way they can know for sure the work is done, to their specifications, on time, and that it will add to their reputation as a producer.

The bad news, however, is when workers value time more than actual results, they tend to be poor producers. That is, they do not produce in relation to the amount of time they expend. Their effectiveness diminishes. Appearance takes precedence over substance.

Additional work stressors that contribute to women's burnout are tokenism, feelings of isolation, and conflicting demands. If the woman is the first "anything" in her organization, she'll tend to feel compelled to continuously strive to prove herself, to demonstrate that she received the position because of merit rather than company affirmative action. Furthermore, due to their relatively small numbers at the upper levels of organizations, women often feel alone and lacking control in a male-oriented work environment. Believing they have to be Superwomen just be be "adequate," they try to do everything and do it well. But when they're unable to live up to their unachievable standard of excellence, they feel depressed and flawed.

But...believe it or not, there is an up side to being a workaholic! Workaholics tend to be highly motivated, intensely energetic, driven, and competitive. They are the kinds of people employers value, hire, and promote. Their hard-working personality traits can be a positive motivating force in the individual's life. Furthermore, overworking women tend to anticipate resulting conflict between career and family. Because they expect problems, they tend to experience less stress when problems arise and develop coping mechanisms.

This workaholic work-orientation then is a double-edged sword. It has the potential for good and bad. The trick is to maximize the good and minimize the bad, establishing and maintaining a balance between work and play.

A few suggestions for achieving the benefits while avoiding the costs are:

Knowing yourself, your work environment, and how to harness your drive, you can make "overwork chic" work FOR you not against you. (top of the page)

You Needn't Be Condemned to Boring Meetings

It's Monday morning. Your supervisees haven't even had their coffee yet when you hand them a memo that says: Department meeting at 1:30 p.m. Their shoulders slump and they groan in unison, "Oh, no, not another meeting. Yeech."

Every day in the U.S. there are over 11 million business meetings held. That is, 11 million-plus attempts to convey an idea face-to-face to more than two people. Whether they're for problem solving, information dissemination, conflict resolution, or training, 99.9 per cent of them are boring...employees' most favorite thing next to being watched filling a cup with urine for a drug test.

And what's worse, too many are costly time wasters. The problems with them are many and varied. The biggest problem is that most meetings lack structure. They're tossed together and look and act like free-form sculpture. "Agenda? Why bother. We know what we have to do." But without an agenda long-winded speakers hold sway and participants fidget and look at their watches. This means the meeting seems to go on forever and doesn't get anything done.

For a meeting to be both efficient and effective the maximum length should not exceed forty-five minutes to an hour. Going over that generally means the meeting is either covering too much ground or is out of control. It is your job as the person in charge to carefully monitor to make sure all agenda items are covered within that time frame.

Meeting structure begins with a clearly stated purpose. This is the reason the meeting is being held. Structure also requires a schedule of the items to be covered and the time allotted for discussion of each. Items to be covered have to be spelled out so there's a common understanding of what's to be done, how it's to be done, by whom, and to what end. The agenda should be detailed and state the goal to be achieved.

As a rule, decision making meetings are more effective if there are only eight, plus or minus two, people present. An exception would be brainstorming sessions which benefit from multiple perspectives. Too many voices obscure the focus of the meeting and focus is essential. Without it the meeting spins into a downward spiral of tangential and extraneous topics. This means everyone's time has been wasted and the agenda items are still demanding to be addressed. 

You need to be clear on why you have asked these people to come to the meeting. Ostensibly they're present because you consider them an integral part of the process, their input is desirable, they're team members, or they're part of the information loop. If they're going to be there, they have to be involved.

Too often meetings simply don't involve their participants. One way you can involve them is make sure the agenda is given to them prior to the meeting. This allows them to know what is transpiring and what you expect of them so they can prepare accordingly. But what frequently happens is that participants don't see the agenda until they're in the meeting and are then left to try to compose their thoughts on the spur of the moment, not knowing if what they're saying is relevant or useful.

Meetings frequently aren't stimulating. Participants receive sheaves of printed materials, words on a blackboard, or overhead-projected line drawings or columns of figures. Really dry stuff, appealing more to the intellect than the emotion. Emotion needs to be tapped too. When information isn't presented in an interesting fashion, their eyes will glaze over and they'll stifle yawns.

Audiovisuals can be used to clarify and keep participants alert, engaged, and inspired. Likewise, having an overall theme which everyone understands and can plug into can be motivating. This can be a vision, being a team, or pride. To make this work as a cohesive whole everything at the meeting should reflect the theme. Acting as a roadmap, the agenda not only ensures that every part of the meeting works toward the stated goal but also underscores the theme.

Everyone should have the opportunity to speak. When you as leader do all the talking or repeatedly call on only a few of those present, this becomes unlikely. Everyone must be treated the same with no favoritism shown. Also it's important that you not call only on those who speak first. Oftentimes those who are not as quick to answer are thinking about the problem and may come up with wonderful solutions or creative ways of looking at the problem.

Since most meetings have no built-in way to evaluate their effectiveness, you and your participants have to have a way to see that issues have been appropriately addressed and objectives reached. Your summarizing the meeting at its end is useful when you:

Taking minutes during the meeting provides a permanent record of both the meeting process and product. The result is a factual report of everything that occurred during the meeting, which can be reviewed and used as a basis of future meetings and actions.

At the end of the meeting you should set the date for the next one and decide on any agenda items you know of for it, such as updates on present assignments. This will provide continuity. It will also make people feel they're contributing and their efforts have been recognized. It will allow them to plan and allow you to feel as if you're keeping the ball rolling productively.

Of course, different meetings have different purposes and goals. Size, importance, and subject matter will dictate, to some degree, what the presentation will involve and how it will look. But these are cosmetic issues. What is fundamental is that all your meetings accomplish what you specifically set them out to do. As a result, at the end of the meeting you and your participants will be able to answer the questions: "What?" "So what?" "Now what?" (top of the page)

When Life Imitates Parkinson's Law

Ah, the new year. This is the time when everything gets a facelift and your juices are rejuvenated. You're starting afresh: Work. School. Relationships. New tasks. Old tasks. But everything has its own pressing schedule and priority.

The new year is the time for organizing. According to Christopher Robin in Winnie the Pooh, "Organizing is what you do before you do something so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up." Sounds simple enough, so what's the big deal?

As you dust off your goals and set up your deadlines, time enters the "Twilight Zone" and begins to shrink and compress. It is said, though I personally doubt it, that everyone has the same amount of time: 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, and 60 minutes an hour. Yet suddenly you feel as if you're hurtling toward a black hole. Everything is making its demands on your ever-diminishing time, taking more time than is available.

The pressure is on. Your time has become more precious than Beanie Babies. Smacking you in the face is the harsh reality that if you are to achieve your work and personal goals, you're going to have either alter the space-time continuum as we know it or become more adept at structuring the time you have.

Structuring means using available resources well. It means producing the desired outcome. It means becoming both effective and efficient.

The good news is that time management can be learned. The bad news is that most don't learn it in their youth and have to struggle with habituating to it in their "less-malleable" adult years. Fortunately the process is pretty straightforward. It involves first determining what you believe needs to be done today. This is your daily "To Do" list. To do this you make a list of the tasks demanding to be done then rank them: What needs to be done first? Second? What can wait? What can be done by someone else? What can be eliminated because it really doesn't need to be done?

Once you have the tasks in mind, you have to map out your strategy on paper. The paper part is important. Trying to hold it all in your head allows you to play avoidance games. You "misremember" what needs to be done and when or "inadvertently" forget it altogether.

Your plan will determine what you're going to do and when. This requires that you assess how much time each item will likely take. Maybe it takes an hour standing in front of the television ironing your clothes but how much to do a report for school or work?

Your "To Do" list should contain no more than 8-10 items which are prioritized by both their level of difficulty and disagreeability. Always do the hardest first. This a psychological ploy to get it out of the way immediately so you can't waste your time and energy anticipating and dreading it. Furthermore, you won't procrastinate, looking for ways to keep from doing it, once it's out of the way.

Also you need to build rewards into your list, large and small things you enjoy doing, and give yourself a treat after you complete a task. The larger or harder the task, the larger the reward.

Another part of time management is ridding yourself of time wasters and interrupters. It's easy to procrastinate. As C. Northcote Parkinson notes in his book Parkinson's Law, "Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion." If you give yourself a day to finish the task, that's how long it will take. If you allow people to visit or call, if you listen to the radio or watch TV, these interrupters significantly cut down your efficiency.

But the single biggest obstacle to managing your time is perfectionism. Everyone has a standard of perfection lurking in the inner recesses of her/his brain. It's an unrealistic standard of excellence you believe you "should" achieve. But you can't achieve it.. Perfection exists only in your imagination. So you need to determine what will do the job satisfactorily and be "good enough" and do it. It's important to remember, however, "good enough" doesn't have to mean mediocrity, only realistic achievement.

According to Lord Chesterfield, "There is time enough for everything in the course of the day if you do but one thing at once... . I recommend you take care of the minutes; for the hours will take care of themselves." (top of the page)

The Story You Write

As she gestured expansively, long wisps of blonde hair played around her tanned face. Julie Kurlan appeared to glow with vitality. Her blue eyes shone. "I realize now more than I did in the beginning that I'm in the one percentile and there's a reason for it," said the 51-year-old mother of three and part-time web designer. "When you're dealt a hand like cancer, there are only two ways you can go: Positively or negatively."

Sitting on her overstuffed living room couch, she leaned forward, rested her hands on her knees, and became more serious for a moment. "If you act as though you're going to die, that's the story you write for yourself. If you make the disease the end-all and be-all of your life, it's like having a recurrence of it. You're living it. You're the one in charge of your body and mind. You're the author of your story," she said.

"Instinctively I knew I had to surround myself with positive people, my family and friends," Kurlan continued. "So I laid down the ground rules. 'If you cry, you don't help me.' So if friends cried, they cried at home. I set the tone and they followed my lead."

The corners of her eyes crinkled again. She smiled broadly and fell back against the thick cushions. It was with this determination, openness, and life-affirming energy, said Kurlan, that she dealt with her own breast cancer two years ago.

What did Kurlan learn going through surgery, breast reconstruction, aggressive chemotherapy, and hair loss? "The stresses in life? Forget them. You don't need to get upset when someone cuts in front of you in traffic. And why not enjoy a rainy day. You can do what you thought you couldn't. You have to."

"You'd be surprised at some of the changes that came with this new perspective. My communication skills have actually improved. If I was a good listener before, I'm twice as good now. I really hear every little word. Also I'm more open. I've encouraged people to ask questions. I did such a good job that people don't think of me as having had cancer."

One of the biggest changes Kurlan has noted as a result of this process is being on a different level of thinking. "Now," she said, "I would never think of postponing something until tomorrow. I was a champion procrastinator and squandered time. Now if I want to say something to my 22-year-old daughter, Sara, I say it. I don't wait for the 'right' time, whatever that is. I think everyone who's had cancer wants to get more intensely involved with life. There's definitely a greater sensitivity to time and people. For me there's also greater patience."

Kurlan believes that whatever awareness you had before is heightened. Suddenly you're more focused, particularly outside yourself. "Maybe," she said, "that's what allows you to eliminate all those small stresses. While coping with life and all its problems, especially cancer, is difficult, I've found, surprisingly, that it's not as difficult as one may think."

With an impish glint in her eye, she leaned forward again. "Look," she said, "I'm here. I feel fine. I look fine." Then she tossed her wheat-colored mane and laughed ebulliently. "And, I'm having a ball! How many others, with or without cancer, can say that."  (top of the page)

Solving Problems for Fun and Profit

Imagine yourself dealing with the following situation: VanCleef Cosmetics has become one of the great business success stories of all time. Teetering on the brink of bankruptcy a mere three years ago, the company regained solid ground in one year, and since has pushed sales to $100 million. VanCleef's new CEO, Estee Rubinstein, pulled off this coup on the strength of a revolutionary new VanCleef product, "24K Glow" - high-priced, gold-infused liquid makeup designed to give the wearer the "look of elegant wealth." "24K Glow" captured 38 per cent of the market.

That was until television's hottest game-show personality, Vanna Gonn, awoke one morning to find her face splotched with green. The following day Gonn's lawyer filed a $100 million suit against VanCleef, claiming the gold in her face makeup had reacted with her body chemistry and permanently dyed her skin, ruining her career.

As a problem solver brought in by VanCleef, what would you advise? Tell the National Inquirer that Vanna was abducted by extraterrestrials? Ignore Vanna, suggesting to the press that anyone who turns letters for a living is suspect?

Problems, problems, problems. We're constantly bombarded by them. How do we deal with them? Unfortunately our natural tendency is to grab hold of the first thing that comes to mind and run with it. The disadvantage of that approach is that our first thought is frequently a way we believe we can quickly dispose of the problem. It isn't necessarily the best or even a good path. Good problem solving means generating many ideas and paths and selecting the best fit for the situation at hand.

But before we can generate ideas, we have to understand what the problem really is. We have to identify it, define it, and assess it. What is the core of the problem - that is, what makes it a problem? What factors are involved and must be addressed in reaching a solution? Who has responsibility for solving the problem? What resources are needed in order to solve it?

But before we can generate ideas, we also have to commit ourselves to solving the problem. This means slogging through all aspects of it, rolling it over in our minds again and again until we're ready to do whatever is necessary. It means not throwing up our hands and saying, "Who cares," before we even approach the solution.

Generating the list of alternatives is the most enjoyable part of the exercise because it allows us to let our imaginations run free. "What if this?" or "How about that?" It's important that as we crank out these possible solutions we don't judge them. Evaluation at this point, being told (by ourselves or others) "that's a dumb idea" slows or stops the creative juices altogether. It's hard enough giving ourselves permission to be creative in the first place. There's plenty of time for evaluating the alternative on its merits later. Now is the time to produce as many as possible to be evaluated.

Some of the criteria for judging alternatives include:

Deciding on a solution isn't as easy as it sounds. Many people don't want to commit to a single course of action because doing so excludes the other alternatives. "Well, gee, maybe the other one is really better and once I decide I can't go back." This is a form of risk and many of us hate taking risks, no matter how small. Decision making is nothing if it's not taking risks.

Decisions mean implementation and implementation means having a timeline in which to do it or procrastination may set in. Unfortunately, even as far as we've come, the process isn't over yet. Now we need to set it in motion and monitor what happens. Monitoring means actually observing, recording, measuring, and analyzing the outcomes of the decision action. Then it requires evaluating the problem's solution over time to see if it really is working. 

Using this problem solving process, how would YOU handle the Vanna Gonn situation? Think of yourself as VanCleef's PR person, marketing expert, lawyer, or spin doctor.
  (top of the page)

 
What a Two-by-Four to the Back of the Head Can Do

With my rust-colored down coat clutched close to my shivering body, I was racing from UNM's Zimmerman Library to my VW Golf, parked several blocks away at a meter in the Health Sciences Center lot, in imminent danger of receiving a ticket. I was preoccupied when I encountered her. At the intersection of Yale and Lomas she was little more than a bundled form, sitting on a bulging navy blue duffle bag on the corner, a transistor radio pressed to her scarf-covered ear. As I paused on the curb beside her, anxiously shifting my briefcase from one hand to the other, checking the traffic, she looked up at me and asked, "Have you got any spare change?"

The words rechilled my warming spine. I wanted to escape, to run across the street against the light, dodging a Bekins van. I was trapped. Trapped not only by the flow of traffic but also by what some have called the "white-liberal-guilt-neurosis"--being a "have" confronted by a "have-not" and feeling totally responsible for the difference. I sighed to myself and mumbled, without turning my head, "I'll look." I quickly found two quarters designated for the meter which I placed in her chapped, outstretching hand. She was just one of the dozens upon dozens of individuals, dotting the Albuquerque's street corners, with and without signs, proclaiming themselves "homeless," "just out of the hospital," "Viet Nam vet," "in need food," or "willing to work for food."

A soft voice with a Southern lilt caressed my ears when she thanked me. Then matter-of-factly she asked, "What makes you so sweet?" I did a double-take. Surprisingly moved by what might otherwise have caused my eyes to roll heavenward, I turned to look into her red, rapidly aging face. From beneath her wool wrap dark-fringed, gray eyes looked up at me and smiled. At that very moment, something imperceptible clicked in my head. I automatically smiled back, saw the Walk sign flash, and hurried across the street.

As I drove north on 25 to Placitas, a welter of images and feelings flooded my consciousness, catching me by the throat. Fragments of long-submerged, gut-wrenching memories from my adolescence rose haltingly to the surface. I saw my father depressed, defeated because he was continually unemployed. I saw our family of four, losing a house and a car, moving from one apartment to another when we couldn't pay the rent. I saw my father not wanting my mother to work even when we were down to our last fifty cents for a loaf of bread--living hand-to-mouth, in a deadly downward spiral.

Then I saw us humiliated, yet trying to keep some remnant of our self-respect, as we imposed on a succession of reluctant relatives. For months at a time we relied on their charity. We ate their food, crowded them out of their beds and rooms, inadvertently created anger, frustration, and tension for them, and generally interfered with their lives. No matter what I did to try to ease the strain--whether it was doing all the chores I could handle or staying away from the house whenever my presence wasn't absolutely required--I felt helpless to reduce the ponderous weight of our debt and shame.

Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming desire to see that woman on the corner again. I wanted to let her know somehow that I understood. The knot of an empty stomach. That sometimes things happen, things over which you may have little or no control. That life isn't always fair or just. That you do what you have to do to get by, that others may not like it, but that it shouldn't diminish you in your own eyes.

But, the following day she wasn't there. I looked for her the next and the next. Apparently she had moved on, but I was stuck there, feeling vaguely disconsolate.

Then on Friday, as if by design, when I was once again racing from the library to my car, I saw a grizzled, weathered man with fingerless maroon gloves, black watch cap, and threadbare pea jacket, sitting on the grass near the corner. Beside him was a green garbage bag of his possessions. He was hunkered over a polystyrene cup of steaming coffee, savoring the smell and warming himself.

As I approached, he lifted his wary eyes and it clicked. The Walk light flashed. I looked at him directly, smiled, and said, "Hello."

"Hello," he said cautiously, "how are you today?"

"Just fine," I replied, "thanks. Coffee looks good," and waited an extra beat for him to inquire about the meter money I had quietly readied in my pocket.

* * *

Sensitivity is a quality that is often hard to come by. If we're lucky, we learned the skill early and have spent our lives using and refining it. But many of us have been brought into sensitivity kicking and screaming, not really convinced we weren't "sensitive" in the first place and wondering why we have to be more of "whatever it is" in the second.

Sensitivity is an astute awareness about others. It's having a realistic and accurate sense of others' ideas, beliefs, attitudes, feelings, and behaviors. It's having an astute awareness of situations, their context, and their possible implications. Sensitivity is the core component of personal and social effectiveness.

According to Daniel Goleman, in Working With Emotional Intelligence, sensitivity (or if you prefer, empathy) acts like a social radar, picking up human blips on its screen. Each blip represents the presence or implied presence of others and their influence on us. Understanding and accurately reading our social radar allows us to create opportunities for ourselves, to grow, develop, and make the things we want to happen no matter who we are or what we do.

So how do we become more sensitive to others? The first thing we have to do is become more sensitive to ourselves. We need to recognize:

Once we're attuned to our own emotions and their presentation, we can begin to tune into those of others.  (top of the page)

'Tis the Season to be Blue

The letter read: "Dear Dr. D: Tis the season to be jolly but I've got the fa la la la la la la-la blahs. As the holidays draw near, my mood turns to indigo. Amber lights festoon the town's trees and my eyes glaze over. Strains of 'Joy to the World' catch on the breeze and I swallow hard. Consumers with long lists are scurrying from store to store, laden with packages, and my stomach knots. I feel awful and don't know why. Why am I the only one who feels this way?" Signed, "I'm Dreaming of a Blue Christmas."

Everywhere you can hear the tinkle of tinseled, tinny prescriptions of "glad tidings," "peace on earth," and "good will to all humankind" as the media and advertisers celebrate the season's "perfect warmth, harmony, and happiness." People wear holiday expectations on their sleeves while depression and loneliness run rampant.

Why, when we're supposed to feel our happiest and most hopeful, do we often feel so low, dispirited, and hopeless?

Partly these blues are due to the day's shorter duration. With less daylight the pineal gland in our brain produces increased amounts of melatonin, a hormone related to the neurotransmitter serotonin. Too little serotonin can depress our mood. The secretion of melatonin is at its highest levels in the winter - around the holidays.

Mostly, however, the holiday blues are due to our great expectations of how holidays "should" be planned and spent and with whom. Expectations that we generate the "right feelings" and that this season "should" bring us "joy." We also fall prey to other people's expectations that we'll demonstrate all the "appropriate" holiday behaviors.

Expectations raised this high are rarely met. The problem boils down to "shoulds" - what we should do and what we should feel at this time of year. We unconsciously (some of us consciously) live in fear of transgressing them. It is almost as it we believe that these expectations are inscribed on stone tablets and failure to adhere strictly to them is punishable by copious helpings of guilt with our eggnog.

What we often don't realize is that most of these tradition-bound expectations don't represent reality. Instead they represent some idealized and generally unattainable state of mind. As a result, when we don't experience the expected emotional high, we feel bad. We feel like a failure: The only one not partaking in the holiday spirit and benefits. Since we're sure everyone else has attained this seasonal nirvana, we despondently ask ourselves, "What's the matter with me?"

Making matters worse, our remembrance of holidays past adds a note of wistfulness. While we yearn to recapture the good feelings, we once again agonize over the guilts. Losses resurface. We experience emptiness and we start the grieving process anew. This year is nearly gone and with it the opportunity to right past wrongs. In addition, our everyday reality, which is rife with tensions and conflicts, doesn't stop for the holidays. On the contrary, it keeps rolling right along, dragging us with it despite Chanukah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa.

So what can be done? Hibernate until it's all over - after all, isn't that what are bodies are telling us to do? Sit under banks of lights of the correct spectrum to counter the light wavelengths that are in short supply? Sleep less, exercise more, don't pig out on carbohydrates?

While we may have some success altering our body's response to this time of the year, what we really need to concentrate on is changing our attitudes and expectations and learning ways to cope better. First, we need to stop thinking so rigidly about the holidays. There is no "right" way to celebrate the season.

We can choose not to accept other people's expectations for us or the season. Because they expect or believe something doesn't make it so or right for us. We have to determine for ourselves what we need and want. 

We need to ask ourselves:

Our reality is how we choose to define it. We can do that positively or negatively. If we choose to act positively, we can refuse to continue to agonize over past actions, thoughts, and situations. If we have no control over them, our dredging them up for an encore is going to accomplish nothing but make us feel even worse. The past is past. We need to derive whatever benefit from it we can and move on.

We can counter our loneliness by working to be with others, finding ways to participate, volunteering, helping others, and giving of ourselves. When we reach out to someone else, we extricate ourselves, at least momentarily, from our sad inner focus.

We can soften our sense of loss, which we feel so keenly at this time of year, by not allowing ourselves to dwell on the void and what used to be. Instead we can remember the good times, that we have wonderful memories that will always be with us, and look for ways to enhance that positive feeling.

Finally, we can give ourselves permission to be individuals and enjoy the season in any way we choose: To share, appreciate, and be thankful for whatever we have. We can allow ourselves to ignore the media hype, crass commercialism, and demands of family and friends. We can allow ourselves to harken back that sense of wonderment we experienced as that first-holiday child, taking in the sights, sounds, smells, and touch and acting spontaneously on them.

While we may not create that elusive and illusory "perfect happiness," we can, at least, turn that holiday mood from blue to pink. (top of the page)

How To Market Yourself in Any Situation

As much as small business people may hate to admit it, the easiest thing a person can do today is start a business. On the other hand, the hardest thing he or she can do is successfully market it. That is because marketing involves not only targeting the right consumers of your problem-solving service or product but also continually bringing to their attention the benefits they will derive from it. When experts assert that to succeed in your business you need to sell the sizzle, not the steak, they are talking about marketing.

But even though everyone acknowledges that marketing is crucial to success, many small business people are only paying lip service to it. They do not understand the marketing process. They do not fully appreciate the need for it in their business.

In fact, according to a study by this researcher, most say they do not want to have to do it. They would prefer to have someone else do it for them. But, if they must do it themselves, they want to do it only once and be done with it. The upshot of all this is that as many as two-thirds of these bright, creative business and professional people are spinning their wheels.

Rosemary Salazar*, a 26-year-old San Francisco training and development consultant, is typical of those surveyed. Formerly a psychological counselor and telemarketer, she has combined her skill areas with her business and professional background in a business of her own. She has designed sales psychology training which she offers to sales individuals and corporate sales departments either in single seminars or as part of a larger program.

"Do I know marketing? I know sales," says Salazar. "I've always been terrific at sales, but not marketing. I mean, I don't know what my message should be, what my image should be, or the first thing about getting them across. In the past someone else always gave me the sales points to use. But now I'm the one who has to decide what they're going to be and what I'm going to do with them. I find it all very confusing and frustrating."

What the 125 business-survey participants indicated is that, in general, they too do not know what their message is. They do not know what image they want others to see. In fact, they tend to believe their image and message will evolve naturally over time. That is to say, they assume it will not only manufacture itself but also provide its own exposure without their intervention. As a result of this thinking, they tend not to have an operational marketing plan.

While marketing theory may seem incomprehensible, marketing practice can be straightforward and simple. It is basically a matter of determining and presenting your message with an effective, credible image.

Credibility is essential. But unfortunately it is one of those amorphous qualities. You know, hard to describe but easy to recognize when you encounter it. In the psychology of persuasion credibility is composed of three elements.

The first element is knowledge. To be credible you must be seen as knowledgeable about the product or service you are promoting. The second is trust. You must be seen as trustworthy to provide expert information about that product or service. And the third is other-orientation. You must be seen to act toward the customer in a way that is not self-serving. These are some of the qualities that constitute business "excellence" according to Tom Peters and Bob Waterman in their classic book, In Search of Excellence.

If Carl Berkowitz* has anything, he has credibility. The 34-year-old public relations consultant has worked with the best agencies in the Philadelphia area. He has been president of the metropolitan publicity club. He knows how to create the right press release or media event. Moreover, he exudes confidence, expertise, and concern for his client.

In spite of all this, his three-year-old business is going nowhere. Says Berkowitz, "I've been in this business a long time. I have hard-won credentials. I know a lot of people. I made things happen for customers through the agencies. But nothing's happening for my own business, and I don't know why or what to do."

What Berkowitz does not realize is that simply having credibility is of little value if you do not let potential clients know you have it. Credibility and visibility have to work hand in hand. This means that in order to market yourself you need to be seen frequently demonstrating your expertise, trustworthiness, and concern for your audience's welfare.

Luana Washington* found this out the hard way. The 45-year-old former-executive of a Dallas nonprofit, who now runs a luncheon-lecture series for professional women, says, "I learned not-so-early-on that I have to be seen. When I was starting out, I thought that meant going to business networking meetings, standing around with a drink in my hand, responding pleasantly when others spoke to me. Of course, nothing ever happened as a result. For a long time these meetings, for all the influential people present, were a big waste of my time and money. But not anymore."

Marketing is an active process. It requires you assert yourself. You have to make sure your audience is aware of your presence. You grab their attention. You focus it on your credibility. In other words, you create an opportunity in which you can and do toot your own horn.

While credibility and visibility are necessary, they are not sufficient. Marketing also requires that you know specifically and concretely what image and message you want to communicate. You need to ask what is your business really providing to customers? That is, what are the emotional or psychological benefits you are offering? Money? Personal freedom? Attractiveness? Health? Financial independence? Status? Popularity? Sex? Autonomy?

In Salazar's case, for example, she is not selling sales training programs. That is the steak. She is selling greater understanding of the customers' needs and more effective (read, profitable) ways salespeople can present their product or service to meet those needs. In a nutshell--money. That is the sizzle.

Before you can sell the sizzle, you need to create your message about the steak. To do this you have to describe the parameters of what you're promoting: 

After you have answered these questions, pull out the key words and put them into a sentence or two. This becomes your message--what you want to use to sell your business.

In Berkowitz's message, for example, his first sentence might be a credibility statement and the second, the benefit he is offering: "I'm a public relations consultant who's worked with the largest agencies for 25 years. Berkowitz PR provides the small business person with guaranteed positive media exposure and credibility to increase sales."

In addition to credibility, visibility, and message, you need to create an image. Your overall image is important because it determines how people view you, value you, to what degree they are attracted to you, and want to interact with you. Social psychological research has found, for example, that the more interested you are in your audience, the more interpersonally attractive you will be to them. And the more attractive you are, the more competent, friendly, intelligent, and influential you will be perceived to be.

This suggests that you need to tailor your image to your audience. Your goal is to create the perception of similarities in attitudes, values, interests, and/or background. This also leads to greater attraction and liking. The greater the similarity, the greater the liking. The result is you increase your target audience's identification with you.

Ralph Donovan* is a 53-year-old manufacturers' representative who sells country kitchen and dinner linen products. When he started out in Cedar Rapids ten years ago, he directed himself and products to an audience other than his customers. "When I went to small stores or outlets which either already carried my lines or were likely to, I came in like I was selling to Bloomingdales. The glass-and-chrome approach. As you can guess," says Donovan, "those people didn't relate to me at all. And why should they? The way I presented myself and the product, we had nothing in common. Fortunately I had some friends who knew the territory, saw what I was doing wrong, and set me straight."

It is important to remember that your image is the first impression potential customers have of you. It is what rivets them initially, suggests your expertise, professionalism, responsiveness, and reliability, and then creates positive expectations. A good image is like 24K gold. Precious, highly regarded, solid currency anywhere. It is invaluable for getting your foot in the door and providing you with the opportunity to convey your message. A bad image, however, is like nuclear waste. Worthless, unstable, polluting, and hard to get rid of.

Once you have created both your image and message, you need to direct your energies to continuously and effectively projecting them. To discover what marketing techniques are most useful to small business people, this researcher conducted several studies. Findings of a survey of small business association members in New England suggested that "informal speaking" is the most effective, efficient, easily-learned, and inexpensive marketing technique a small business person can use.

Informal speaking in public is not the business presentation, speech, or seminar. Instead, it is a form of social communication. But unlike casual conversations or chatting, it is highly structured with the well-defined goal of getting your message and image across. It uses the informal communication channels you encounter everyday: Talking with colleagues, acquaintances, clients, resources, the media; Networking; Informing others via radio or television appearances; Sharing expertise through volunteer activities; Answering questions; Conducting discussion groups; or Addressing issues at organization or association meetings.

To continuously and effectively promote your business you need to find ways in which you can verbally, visually, and personally share your message with your target audience. Informal speaking in public allows you to do this. Because it is face-to-face communication, it can produce attraction, liking, identification, and acceptance. It also can produce greater immediate impact and more meaningful recall. As a result, it is the most powerful force in the business world.

Speaking in public, whether formally or informally, is an opportunity to present your message and image in an intense, focused fashion to a selected group of interested people. It allows you to hold their Attention, capture their Interest, build their Desire, and lead them to some Action. The acronym AIDA is the goal of marketing.

While this means you create a marketing opportunity for your business every time you open your mouth to speak to others, you cannot take full advantage of this opportunity unless you follow three important rules.

In this super-competitive world everyone is vying for that precious few minutes of the customers' attention. But being "heard" above the crowd does not necessarily require four-color ads on slick paper or 30-second network television spots. All it really requires is that customers repeatedly see your image, hear your message, and trust that you can help them in some personally significant way.

How you choose to create, project, and market your business's image and message can mean the difference between success and failure. But if you use informal public speaking as the cornerstone of your marketing plan, you can be assured of having at least one method in your arsenal by which you can market yourself in any situation.
(*names have been changed)    (top of the page)

Remembering to Look Up

It was 6:05 a.m. on August 19th, a mere 57 degrees as the sun insinuated itself between the slats of the Venetian blinds in our bedroom on the second floor, where I was standing in the buff. I was about to dress to drive my husband to his carpool pickup point when I heard an explosive roar on Avon Road below.

Our cat Ratpacks, who had just settled his black fur on the sill of the open window, levitated himself, spread-eagle, and vanished. It was a sound like hundreds of gallons of water under pressure gushing from a water main

I raced to the vacated window and scanned the street, sure of an imminent flood. But there was nothing. No utility truck and definitely no water. As I quizzically widened my search, my peripheral vision caught something, forcing me to look up.

"O my God!" I exclaimed, struggling to keep my voice low in the dawn stillness. "Bob, Bob," I rasped, "come here. Hurry, hurry!"

I ran half-way to the bathroom door and back to the window, like Lassie doing her signature dance of life-saving urgency: "What is it, girl? Is it Timmy? Is he in trouble?" Bob emerged, towel-wrapped, partially-shaven, still holding a soapy razor in his hand.

"Look, look," I commanded, jumping up and down, all body parts leaping at different rates, pointing out the window.

"Where?"

"To the left. Look up."

There, gliding south along Avon Road itself just even with the tops of the trees lining the street, was a hot air balloon with two people, almost close enough to touch, in the gondola. The vertical panels of red, blue, green, and yellow fabric glowed in the cool sunlight. Past houses 50, 47, 43, 39. Whoosh. Past 37, 35. Whoosh again. The balloon began to rise, a final whoosh, gaining height and clearing tree spires.

I craned my neck and pressed my face against the screen to follow its course. I wanted to throw open the screen and lean out, but propriety prevailed. In what seemed like an instant it was gone. Bob and I looked at one another, beaming, and shaking our heads in amazement.

"That was great!"

"I wish I'd had the camera handy."

He hurried back to finish shaving while I reassured Ratpacks, now hunkered down in the closet, that the sky was not falling. His widely flattened ears told me he wasn't buying anything I was selling so I finally dressed. As Bob and I drove towards his carpool, we cast our eyes about the crystalline sky, hoping for one last vestige...but there was nothing. Aloud we wondered how many times the balloon had been by before our notice, drifting majestically over us, whooshless, undetected, and how many other buoyant spectacles we might have missed because we simply hadn't looked up from our daily routine.

* * * *

There are so many things happening around us all the time of which we are largely unaware. Our inattentiveness to them may be due to our feeling generally overwhelmed, that there are too many things to monitor so we tune them out. It may be due to our narrowed focus or the set of patterns we have created for ourselves to keep us on a particular path. When we keep our eyes and minds glued to the ground, we're less likely to stumble, lose our way, or bump into unexpected things. But when we're so engrossed in our daily routines, we often miss the many gateways to opportunities which float by.

Opportunities are the favorable coming together of circumstances. But opportunities won't exist for us unless we're aware of our total environment, not just the path ahead of us. They won't exist for us unless we're prepared to take advantage of them when they occur. It's essential that we realize that opportunity - whether for jobs, money, relationships, or satisfaction - doesn't knock. It doesn't even approach our front door. Instead it casually and silently saunters by, like the hot air balloon. It waits for no one. To take advantage of opportunities we have to be aware, alert, and open and remember to look up.  (top of the page)

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